In this throwback edition of Negotiations Ninja, we jump back to episode #191 with Dr. Mark Goulston. Dr. Goulston is a former FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer, a psychiatrist, and the author of nine books, one of which is the #1 listening book on the planet: Just Listen. In this episode, Dr. Goulston shares actionable tips and strategies to help you be more curious, empathetic, and a better listener. Don’t miss it!
Why Negotiators Must Employ Curiosity with Dr. Mark Goulston, Ep #191
What are people afraid of when it comes to negotiation? How do you build confidence in your abilities? What are the three R’s of negotiation, and how can it impact your success? Overcoming your fears and developing confidence go hand-in-hand—but how do you conquer them? Lynn Price—Speaker, Author, Consultant & Attorney—covers all of these topics in this episode of Negotiations Ninja.
Because of the high volume of contract negotiations that Lynn has worked on, she quickly learned to see themes and formulas. She chose to have a growth mindset and learn from her mistakes. To get better at this, you need to remain humble enough to see where you screwed up, admit it, and figure out how to avoid it in the future. So she implements the three R’s in every negotiation. You must be ready, relatable, and reasonable.
You have to do your research, prepare, and prioritize. If you come into a negotiation and say, “Here are five things; I have to have them,” that’s not a negotiation. That’s just threatening and demanding. You have to have your asks prioritized. Know your subject matter and be ready to engage.
Lynn believes if you can only choose one of these R’s, it’s that you must be ready. You have to know what you want, prioritize your asks, and know your subject matter. If you don’t, it will be apparent to your counterpart, and you’ll get run over. Everyone has been there where you think you know enough, you get asked a question, and you’re like, “Yep, should’ve known that.” It’s hard to recover if you’re not prepared. Being relatable and reasonable just isn’t enough.
It’s simple, but it’s true: people help people they like—so you have to be relatable. Engage and be relatable, but don’t fake it. If it’s not true, people will sniff it out immediately. Inauthentic attempts to be relatable won’t go over well. Even if you’re just being responsive, that makes someone feel good. It shows that you’re valuing their time and energy. An authentic connection will go a long way.
Can you make yourself more likable? If you have nothing to authentically connect on, what can you do? Lynn emphasizes that you need to talk to people in a respectful tone and be upbeat. Ask them questions to learn more about where they are, their current situation, etc.
What if someone is being intentionally obtuse and avoiding those personal connections? Listen to the episode to hear Lynn’s take!
Lynn’s third R is all about being reasonable. She emphasizes that you need to focus on a solutions-based negotiation. People want to work with you, so you need to find a solution that meets all the parameters. If someone says no to one thing, maybe they’ll say yes to another. You have to take a holistic view of the whole negotiation. Can you find wins for you or your client to make an overall good deal? Lynn doesn’t want people to hear “reasonable” and think “doormat.” Being reasonable means you can still be aggressive and forceful when you’re negotiating for what you want or need.
To learn how to be more relatable, assertive, and confident in your negotiations, listen to the whole episode for some of Lynn’s tips!
How do you move your audience? How do you influence people? Phil Jones provides the script in his book “Exactly What to Say: The Magic Words for Influence and Impact.” His practical field manual is something that you can reference in your negotiation preparation to help you pinpoint exactly what you need to say to influence ethically. Don’t miss it this throwback!
How do you negotiate for yourself, as opposed to an organization or employer? If you’ve been in the game for a while, you know there is a difference. You have an odd emotional attachment to negotiations when they’re for yourself. You may find that you don’t advocate well for your own needs—but do extraordinarily well on behalf of others. So how do you ditch the extra emotion and create some big wins for yourself? Deborah Kolb—Professor Emerita from Simmons School of Management—shares her expertise in this episode of Negotiations Ninja.
When she starts a talk, she will ask people what makes them good at negotiation in their workplace. They may feel empowered, feel comfortable because they know who they’re working with, or feel they have a backup. But what’s different with negotiating for yourself? People believe it’s more emotional—and it feels riskier because of that. You have to consider your reputation. Sometimes, people note that it’s hard to figure out what you want. When you’re an agent for your organization, it’s clear that you know what you’re shooting for.
When you’re negotiating on your own behalf, it can be hard to articulate what you want. But when you’re negotiating for an organization, the needs are more clear. Why is it more difficult to understand your own wants and desires?
Deborah notes that when you’re negotiating for something at work, you’re negotiating change. When you finally determine what you do want, you can focus on all the reasons why you won’t get it. Doing so leads to feelings of disempowerment. But Deborah believes that if you know what others have negotiated for, it can be easier for you.
What are some kinds of situations where you know you’ll have to negotiate? Maybe you’re offered a role that you don’t want but feel you must accept. Deborah shares that this happens a lot. Women are asked—quite frequently—to be “Chief Staff Officers” to handle HR types of things. Or perhaps you weren’t considered for a role that you did want. You start to question why you weren’t but in the process start to question if you were a good fit in the first place. It’s hard to figure out if you want to put yourself out there.
Are you asked to do more with less? Are you pushed into a role where you’re required to lead change? Deborah notes that women are often promoted to leadership roles when things are going poorly, i.e., the “glass cliff.” If you say “yes” to that, you can be putting yourself at risk.
Deborah finds it interesting to study how people respond when asked to do “invisible work” such as taking meetings notes, picking up coffee, organizing parties, etc. It’s expected that you’ll say yes when asked to do these things. This was studied by Adam Grant called “Madam C.E.O., Get Me a Coffee.” In these situations, “No” is not really an answer without a negotiation.
So you have to recognize when there is an opportunity to negotiate. Need a good place to start your negotiation? Find out what other people got in a role that’s being offered to you. This can help you feel that what you’re asking for is defensible, that you can stand behind it.
Deborah knew a woman who worked for a media company. She thought she was in line to be the VP of Marketing for her division—but then gave it to an outsider. This person didn’t work in the position and offered it to her as a second choice. She had a friend in business affairs who told her that they were offering her 3x less than what they paid the other person. When you know that, then you know what you want. She can go back and ask for the better wage. Good information helps you figure out what you want. That’s why networks are so important.
So what should your negotiation look like? How do you turn small wins into big gains? Why is clearly communicating your value so important? Listen to the whole episode to learn more!
In this Throwback episode of Negotiations Ninja, we hop back to episode #183 with Cody Lowry. In this episode, Cody shares why the ability to “schmooze” is actually important to closing deals. He talks about the three keys to master negotiations and why schmoozing can be a superpower. Don’t miss this fun episode!
Struggling to close that deal? Need a boost? Sign-Up to our Newsletter and Download Mark’s free E-book to get started changing the way you negotiate.
